


Home

by jejuboo



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-06
Updated: 2018-10-06
Packaged: 2019-07-25 23:18:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16207760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jejuboo/pseuds/jejuboo
Summary: I am only home in his arms.





	Home

**Author's Note:**

> i posted this way back in asianfanfics (twt: kwaninoni)
> 
> ps. not edited at all

Home

I am a mess. I didn't know how much of an impact he has in my life until he is gone. Damn him, for making me like this. The room that once filled with laughter are now filled with awful sadness, sometimes filled with sobbing and whining about how I loved a jerk. It's been 3 weeks since he left. I can’t believe I'm still sulking when I should be out and having fun right now. I should be dancing to some upbeat songs or maybe singing my heart out in a karaoke with my friends but why do I find myself stuck in my bed wearing his hoodie that smells like smoke and liquor-- just like him. Why am I trapped in this room where our memories together linger in every corner? In 3 weeks, why can't I move forward even just one step? Why can't I leave everything behind and start a new chapter of my life without him?

I found home in his arms, he made me feel at home when I’m with him and now I hate myself each day, now he is gone, for allowing it to happen. Flashes of memories from 3 weeks ago still haunt me, his fingers intertwined in mine. Those soft whispered "I love yous'". Those sneaky kisses, those unexpected hugs. I miss everything about him. I miss those memories shared and made with him. Why did I love someone like him? He made me love myself and now he is gone I'm back on hating every part of me. I hugged myself as if the smell on his hoodie is enough to comfort me like what his hug usually does. His hoodie smells like him-- smells like home, my safe haven. Why did I love someone like him who will leave me just like that, as easy as dropping a pen after writing for a long time? I look up at the ceiling where I see the glow in the dark stars we've put, glow and I just wish I am with him right now, he'd probably tease me on how good his idea was to stick those on. But sadly, he isn't.

My apartment is a mess, so am I. Clothes are scattered everywhere as if they are waiting for him to be home and be picked up from the mess made, just like me. I’m waiting for him to open our bedroom’s door and hug me while he whispers he loves me. This apartment screams our memories and maybe that's one of the reason I lock myself here. I'm afraid to face the reality that once I leave this place, no one will welcome me with kisses and no more "How's your day?”. No more him, welcoming me and making me feel safe with his touch. I'm afraid to leave this place because I know when I return, there will be no him sitting on the couch while watching my favorite series. So, rather leaving this place... I stayed. I don't know until when... but for now, I'll stay with the memories that linger in every corner of this apartment. I’m too weak and fragile to leave the memories we had in this apartment. I’m too stupid to face the truth that this time it really is over.

I close my eyes as tears roll down my cheeks. My silence turned into loud sobbing, hoping he will hear it and open the door saying "Baby, i'm home... I was a jerk! I'm sorry." but that's not the case. This isn't just like before where we fought about what channel to watch which made me lock him outside. This isn’t just about him getting jealous over a guy I had a conversation with while I'm in line paying for our groceries. This isn’t just like those petty fights we had because unlike those, this time he will not come back even if I beg the stars and moon to maybe give us on more chance and make everything right. We both messed up big time. We both know how messed up we are but somehow made our relationship work. We fixed each other but being in a relationship for 4 years got into us, fights are inevitable but sometimes even love can't fix what fights ruined. We love each other so much that we needed time, we both hurt each other but leaving me when I needed him the most hurts me a thousand more.

But I still love him like I have never loved before. I smelled his hoodie, once again. Damn him, I love him even though he hurt me.

My phone rings.

I wiped my tears and slowly sat up picking up my phone from my bedside table where a picture of us is displayed. I felt another pain and I can feel my eyes watering again. Why must I be this vulnerable?

A faint, "Hello." is all I can give to whoever the caller is.

“Finally, you picked up! Vernon… Vernon is drunk and he wouldn't want to leave this bar! He is looking for you and fuck he is causing trouble! This guy is a mess!" a panicking voice said.

Just a mention of his name makes my heartbeat fast. I closed my eyes, "Where are you?"

And just like that, just a mention of his name... I'm ready to leave this place where our memories linger in every corner. I'm ready to risk myself, once I leave this house there's no guarantee of coming home with him in my arms. I know even though I love those memories we shared... I love the boy I made it with the most. He left me but I'm a fool for him, too weak for him. The fear of going home alone despite his call for me is still there, I’m scared that his cry of my name is just the alcohol speaking. 

The moment I stepped out the doorway I felt the cold wind brushed my skin under my coat that is not thick enough for this winter night, grabbing the first coat I saw hanging behind the door. Just thinking of seeing him after weeks of ignoring each other causes my brain to lose focus and stumble every step I take to my car. All my brain can think of is how he walked through the cafe's door that Wednesday evening up to my seat with his grin on his lips and sparks in his eyes during our first date and I remember he wore a blue sweater during our second date and brought me to an amusement park because he believed that is a place where we will feel content and be kids once again after having being worked up with our jobs.

My mind went back to memory lane. The memory of our hands first touching feels like it happened yesterday, it happened during spring, we were on a bus ride going to a friend's house to celebrate his birthday and sitting next to each other made our pinky finger touched and soon enough our fingers are intertwined as if it is bound to be. Neither of us glanced at each other when it happened but both of us smiled, until walking down the street we didn't let go. That’s when we know we are into too deep. Being with each other is like the missing piece of our puzzled life has finally been found and we don't want to let it go, in fear that if we do it will disappear. Our hands locked together made me feel like, that spring afternoon, every flowers bloomed and the birds are chirping. The wind blows away our worries and that afternoon everything felt perfect between the both of us and we both believe nothing and no one could tear us apart. 

The car ride was a hell of a ride. My mind is spinning. Our memories is like fireworks at a new year's eve exploding in my head. It gave me excitement and worry like how every new year gives me anxiety about what the future will bring. It’s scary but worth it, just like loving him-- a dangerous thing yet I still do.

I arrived where the boys at, having fun. He is in there and from the outside I can hear them shouting at him. My heart is breaking just by the sound of his voice. Hearing his voice makes me remember all the said 'I love you', 'I miss you' and 'Take care'. It was the most angelic voice I have ever heard and not hearing his voice for weeks--- my heart is breaking like a fragile glass.

"Dude! Stop drinking already!"

"Sober up! Seungkwan is on his way now!"

"You don't want him to see you that messed up, do you?!”

I close my eyes as I open the door to go in when I hear no one is talking anymore and then I heard him speak... And his words melt all my anger and I just want to hug him to feel home. With those said word, I know he won me over again. 

"Why wouldn't I let him see me this way? I was a jerk for taking him for granted. I missed out so many dates, forget our anniversary once or twice and now his birthday! I stood him up when we should be out with his parents! I let him wait out in the dark for me when he left his keys and I was not home because I was drinking with my friends! I was a jerk for telling him I hate his voice when he sings to me when actually his voice is the only thing that calms me every time! I hate myself for telling him to stop talking when in reality his stories about how his day went motivates me to do better with mine! I hate myself for telling him I hate everything about him when the truth is I love everything about him! I hate myself for being a jerk and letting the only person who accepts me hate me…”

My tears continue to flow as if my eyes are the heavy gray sky and pouring rain. Hearing his voice breaks, breaks my already shattered heart. It's like his voice is the thread that connects us but as I hear it breaks I feel my heart breaks as well. 

"I was there, okay... For 3 weeks, I visited him when he is asleep. I know that all the things I left undone are still there as if waiting for me to come pick it up. I know that he is scared to leave the apartment because I might come back but find no one. I know it all... I know how miserable I made him feel and despite of the bad things I’ve done he is still waiting for me to come home. I don’t deserve him but I love him... I still do and I have no intention of stopping…"

His next words made my knees wobble... It made me want to run for him and hug him. It made me want to jump on him. It made me want to go back home in his arms.

So I did.

I finally opened the door.

And there I found my home on the ground crying. "Vernon..."

“S… Seungkwan?” His voice breaks.

I'm crying as I run to him. "Love.. I missed you."

He accepts me in his arms and hugged me so tight. We are both scared of letting go. "I'm sorry, love.. I'm really sorry."

I pushed him slightly to see his face... The face I missed the most.

My home.

"It's okay, love... It's okay”

Yeah it’s okay, it really is because anything is okay when I’m with him.


End file.
